I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
