seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
