i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
