I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
