I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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