It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
