It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
