Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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