I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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