so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
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So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
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He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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