so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
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And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
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Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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