he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
