The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
