Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
