i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Only a mothe r could love this liver
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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