Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
