you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
