I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
