either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
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They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
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I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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