Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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