i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
