True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
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Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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