I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
