i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
