yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it's great music for shaving your balls
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
