it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
