I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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