Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
