I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can text with my tongue
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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