we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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