T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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