just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
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