Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
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I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
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Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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