My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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