i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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