Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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