whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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