I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
