Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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