My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
worst night to have a conscience
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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