Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
