When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
