I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
