she woke up with a sticky ear
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
