does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
