I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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