I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
