it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
