He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
