she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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