I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
