I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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