I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
