Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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