After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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