Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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