not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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