I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
