people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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