Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
